We all know someone who constantly seems to be the source of drama. As a therapist and psychologist, I've spent 20 years hopping the fence between being caught in the drama and observing it.
"I often have cravings for drama," one patient, who we'll call Helen, told me. "I can invent false narratives that end up making me angry with people."
People like Helen may seem to thrive on drama. But look further, and you'll find someone who typically feels alone and desperate for control in their lives.
Here are seven toxic signs of someone who is addicted to drama — and how to deal with them:
1. They feel a sense of urgency.
When there isn't an unrelenting sense of urgency, something always feels wrong to them. So to reinforce the urgency, they create a life that is overflowing with commitments, projects and deadlines.
Even the mundane is filled with this intensity, and the simplest tasks seem heavy and burdensome.
2. They use exaggerated language.
They might try to get your attention by adding escalating words ("extremely bad" versus "bad") or metaphors ("It was like he saw right through me and I melted into the abyss of space" versus "He ignored what I had to say").
And, just to make sure you're paying attention, they'll perform it with dramatic gestures and facial expressions.
3. They need to be the center of attention.
People with a tendency toward drama rarely stay in the background or on the sidelines. Even when they are able to suppress their urge to be the center of attention, they don't do it for long.
Being in the middle of larger-than-life action tends to make them feel important.
4. They reenact and retell stories with unnecessary intensity.
Retelling the same emotional story to different audiences allows them to vent continually. It's common for them to add variations to the original situation, too.
5. They focus on the negative or exhilarating elements of other peoples' lives.
You'll often find people who are addicted to drama consumed by what's happening in the lives of others.
There is a growing prevalence of loneliness in this country, and in the absence of feeling seen and heard, it's easy to get distracted by those around us.
6. The are preoccupied with (and stuck in) their own story.
Like the star of any show, they need the one-way interaction of an audience — people whose only role is to bear witness to the drama.
They also like to assign roles to the rest of the cast. And if cast mates don't deliver the right lines, there will likely be trouble.
7. They feel a lack of control.
Their inability to control (or predict) the external world leads to feeling overwhelmed, helpless and victimized. This is something all of us experience, but it's acute for those with a propensity for drama.
Say you take the wrong exit from a traffic circle. For many people, it's a minor inconvenience or mistake. But to the drama addict, it's an unfair catastrophe that happened to them.
How to deal with the drama
Being able to identify the signs of a drama addict will empower you with a sense of awareness, giving you a better idea of how to handle the situation.
Here are some tips:
1. Reframe and soften your response.
When you see someone start to engage in the drama cycle, tell yourself these statements to help you take a step back:
- "They are again being pulled into their drama cravings."
- "They are trying to avoid something very painful right now."
- "They are exhibiting this intense behavior because they are asking to be seen."
This isn't about making excuses. It's to help you avoid being pulled into the drama and instead be a compassionate witness.
2. Clarify what you can hear.
Explain what you are and aren't open to hearing:
- "I'm having a difficult time and can't hold space for this right now."
- "I can be present to listen to what happened, but I don't have the capacity to hear any blaming as to why it happened."
- "Now is not a good time. What's your availability like later?"
Setting a firm but kind boundary will not only make you feel better, it can also help lower the temperature for the drama addict in the moment.
3. Distance yourself.
The truth is that sometimes you will just have to walk away and end the relationship (for now).
While the terms "break up," "walk away from someone," or "leave the relationship" are often used, the reality is that you are making the conscious choice to return your energy and attention back to yourself.
Dr. Scott Lyons, PhD, is a psychologist and author of the book "Addicted to Drama: Healing Dependency on Crisis and Chaos in Yourself and Others." As an expert in trauma therapy, he has helped over half a million people over the past 20 years relieve stress and restore vitality. Scott is also the creator of The Embody Lab, the largest online learning platform for body-based trauma therapies. Follow him on Instagram.
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